The Marauders Meet Marvin
by Angus McGonagle
Summary: Imagine if James, Lily, and Sirius happened upon Marvin the Paranoid Android.  Imagine the chaos that would happen if he was unleashed on the Death Eaters.  Just a little something I threw together after thinking how funny this would be.


The Marauders Meet Marvin

On a fine summer's evening in London, James Potter and Lily Evans, having finally become a couple are out in Muggle London on a date. The following is what happens when they come across what they believe to be junk.

"That was a lovely dinner, James. What do you want to do now?"

"Well, Lily Flower, we could take a walk through Diagon Alley, enjoy the pleasant evening."

"OK, but I wish you'd stop calling me that. It jus reminds me of when you so got on my nerves."

They began to walk down to the Leaky Cauldron, but as they came up to the alley just before the tavern, they noticed something large slumped over on the ground. Lily, being the caring young woman she is, rushed over to see what it was and if it needed help. However, as soon as she got close enough, she discovered it wasn't human.

"James, look at it. It appears to be a muggle robot."

"A what?" James said looking puzzled.

"A muggle-built machine. Built to look human in appearance. It's supposed to be able to help them do things that muggles can't. I believe the book I read about it called it artificial intelligence."

Just then the eyes on the face of the robot lit up and it said in an affronted voice "My intelligence is quite real thank you very much.".

James looked astonished "Did that thing just speak?"

"Thing? Here I am, having a brain the size of a planet and the best you can come up with is thing?"

"Wow, James, he's even more full of himself than you are!"

"Yeah, he is...Hey!, I'm not that bad anymore."

"We shouldn't just leave him here. He could be dangerous."

"He looks harmless enough, well, mostly harmless. Let's apparate him to Sirius's place. He likes playing around with muggle junk."

The robot lifted his head and said "The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation? They're the ones who created me."

"No, just Sirius, Sirius Black. I don't know who this Sirius Cybernetics Corporation is."

"Yeah, let's take him to Sirius's place, we can go for a walk in Diagon Alley another night."

They each grabbed one of the robot's arms and pulled him up, and when no one was in sight, they turned on the spot and disappeared with a loud crack.

They reappeared in the alley a block away from Sirius's flat. James pulled out the little mirror that he used to communicate with Sirius during detentions, looked into it and spoke, "Hey, Padfoot, we're down in the alley outside your flat. Come down here. We got something to show you that you'll find interesting."

Sirius's face appeared in the mirror. He looked liked he too had been enjoying the summer evening in the company of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey. He squinted into the mirror at James's face. "Prongs, buddy, how's it going? Exactly who do you mean by 'we'?"

"By 'we', I mean Lily and I."

"Look, Prongs mate, I'm happy that you two are dating and all but I can see you snog anytime. Hell, you two practically need to get pried apart every time I see you."

"I heard that! Tell Padfoot that the next time he appears in his dog form he might find himself being stuffed in a carrier and sent to a veterinarian to be neutered!" Lily said.

"What was that?" Sirius asked.

"Lily says 'hi'". James replied as Lily smacked him across the top of his head. "Anyway, what we need to show you is something different, you'll find it interesting. Trust me."

"Alright, be right down."

Only a second passed before Sirius had apparated into the alley. James looked up at him and grinned. "Padfoot, you might consider taking the stairs when you've been drinking. You've splinched yourself, your eyebrows are gone."

"Oh bloody hell! Oh well, they'll grow back. Perhaps you're right but I'm not always good with stairs when I've been drinking either. Anyway, what is it you want to show me? And who left the pile of junk in the alley?"

"That pile of junk is what we wanted you to see." Lily said.

"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed."

"Did the pile of junk just say it was depressed?" Sirius asked.

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I'm being called a pile of junk."

"Wow, Prongs, he's even more full of himself than you are." Sirius said.

"Why does everyone keep saying that? I've gotten better about that." James said in a hurt voice.

"Let's get him into my flat so he's off the street." Sirius said.

With that, the three of them grabbed him and they apparated up to Sirius's flat.

"Anyway, Lily says it's something called a robot that muggles made to help them do things they normally can't" James explained.

"It! Something! The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation did give me a name. I'm called Marvin."

"What is the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know, mate, I thought it was some scheme you came up with and was narcissitic enough to put your name on."

"Narcissistic, yes. But I would have come up with a much cooler name."

"Like what?" Lily asked.

"I don't know, I'd have to think on it, but it would definitely be cooler. So, Marvin, Lily says you're a robot. What exactly does that mean?"

"The human called Lilly is correct. I was made to do things humans normally can't."

"Yes, but from what I read robots aren't supposed to have personalities or emotions. You appear to have both."

"Yes, the marketing department of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation thought that instead of making regular emotionless androids, they would make robots with GPP, Genuine People Personalities. I'm a personality prototype. The marketing department described us 'Your plastic pal who's fun to be with'." Marvin explained.

"Sounds like this marketing department of the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation are a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes." Lily said.

"They were." Marvin replied.

"They were what, a bunch of mindless jerks or the first ones against the wall when the revolution came?" James asked.

"Both." Marvin answered.

"Padfoot, I know you've fiddled with muggle contraptions before. Have you ever seen anything like this?" James asked.

"Nah, I've only messed around with motorcycles. This is beyond me. I know of a bloke who is interested in muggle stuff. He's a few years older, oh what is his name...Arthur Weasley."

"That's right, I know who you're talking about. He just got married to Molly Prewett, Gideon and Fabian's sister. Only problem is, they're off on their honeymoon."

"So?" Sirius asked.

"So? Have you ever met her? I've seen her nagging Arthur about all the muggle stuff he messes around with. Can you imagine what she'd do to us if we owled Arthur in the middle of their honeymoon to ask him about this? Forget about the Death Eaters! She's much more dangerous and she's on our side!" James said.

"Marvin, how did you get here?" Lily asked the robot.

"You brought me here."

"I love it, a smart-arse robot" Sirius said.

"I meant to ask how you got to where we found you?"

"I had been on starship that was programmed to crash into a star but at the last minute pulled out by a passing freighter whose pilot wanted to sell me as scrap metal. He got tired of me really quick and landed here on earth by these huge rocks that were arranged in a circle."

"He left you at Stonehenge?" Lily asked.

"I should have known that would happen. No one ever wants me around for very long. God, I'm so depressed."

"So how did you get here from Stonehenge?" Lilly pressed further.

"I was picked up by some passing tourists and brought into the city. Once again, I think they were trying to sell me as scrap metal. As always they got tired of me and left me in the alley where you found me."

"I'm beginning to see why." James said.

"James! That's a horrible thing to say. Maybe if we tried to help it feel better it might not be so depressed." Lily admonished.

"Lils, it's a machine. From what I've heard you say from your readings the thing isn't supposed to feel anything. What do you suggest we do, cast a cheering charm on it?" James asked.

"Ooh James, that's a great idea." Lily said as she took her wand out.

"It won't work. Nothing ever works." Marvin said.

Lily pointed her want at the robot and said something indistinct, but nothing happened.

"I told you it wouldn't work." Marvin said.

"Yeah, and I know why. Do you guys remember reading about the effects that dementors have on witches and wizards? How it is very difficult to do magic around them without a patronus because they suck all the happy feelings out of the air." Lily said.

"Yeah, or it could be that casting that type of charm on a machine won't have any effect." Sirius said.

"No, that's not it. I saw someone cast a cheering charm on the chocolate they were about to eat so it would make them even happier. It worked too. In this case there are no dementors but I feel the same effect."

"Could it be that Marvin's depression has the same effect that the dementors do?" James asked.

"I know. We'll owl Dumbledore! He always knows what to do." Sirius said as he went over to his desk and jotted down a quick note which he took over to his owl's perch and attached it to his leg.

"In the meantime, help yourself to a butterbeer from the fridge."

After about a couple hours, in which they relaxed and talked, Sirius's owl made it's way back to the flat and landed in front of Sirius dropping the reply letter from his beak.

Sirius,

Will arrive shortly. I'm interested in this 'robot' thing you found.

Albus

Just as Sirius finished reading the message out loud to everyone, they heard a loud crack coming from the hallway and then a knock on the door. Sirius opened the door and Albus Dumbledore stepped inside the flat. Everyone noticed a slight twinkle in his brilliant blue eyes as he looked upon Marvin.

"I'm quite impressed. A piece of muggle machinery that doesn't malfunction around magic. And yet..." Dumbledore took his want out and cast a nonverbal spell at Marvin with no effect whatsoever. "And yet he' immune to our magic. You have been around him so long I doubt any of you could so much as apparate outside the door." Albus said.

"So it is like a dementor." Lily said.

"Oh yes, Lily. Except without all the cold mist." Dumbledore said.

"Well, that's just great! What are we supposed to do if we can't do magic around it. We can't banish it away and I don't think a patronus will do any good because those were designed for dementors." Sirius grumbled.

"You are correct, Sirius. What we need is to get someone to take him off of our hands. Someone like Volddemort."

"Are you mental?" James asked. "I shudder to think what he could do with something as dangerous as Marvin at his disposal."

"Ahh, I am more inclined to think of what he won't be able to do with something like Marvin in his presence." Dumbledore said.

"I'm going to be deserted again, aren't I? What with the pain in all the diodes down my left side, oh I'm so depressed."

"That makes two of us." James said.

"Make that three." Sirius chimed in.

"Four. I'm generally a happy person and even I'm feeling down." Lily said.

"Yes, I must admit the atmosphere has dampened a bit." Dumbledore stated.

"OK, so how do we get Voldemort to want to take it."

"Well, James, first we need to hire a muggle means of transporting him somewhere and then I'll stage a conversation around or with one of the people at the ministry I know to be spying for Voldemort. I'll tell him we need to arrange security for a new defensive weapon that will allow us to help fight the death eaters."

"My family has access to a storage facility just outside of Godric's Hollow. We could stash him there."

"Everyone seems to be talking about me as if I'm not even here. I might as well just shut myself off." Marvin said before he slumped forward, his eyes darkening.

"I'm happier now." Sirius said.

The group separated for the evening with James and Lilly transporting Marvin to the storage spot near Godric's Hollow. Dumbledore returned to Hogwarts where he sent an owl to someone at the ministry that he knew was spying on them asking to arrange for security at said location. It was all arranged and someone from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement was assigned to guard the building that Marvin was stored in. It was most likely that guard was a Death Eater as well because he was left alive, but confunded when it was discovered the storage facility had been broken into and the weapon stolen.

"Albus, I'm worried about that robbery. It's been a week and there hasn't been any activity from the Death Eaters at all. They're obviously trying to make the weapon work for them." Minerva McGonagall said to Albus.

Dumbledore sat at his desk casually picking lemon drops from the candy dish on his desk. "Oh Minerva, you worry too much. I doubt the Death Eaters will be doing much of anything for several weeks."

"You mean it will take them that long to figure out how to make the weapon work?"

"No, it will take them that long before they figure out how to get rid of it. We planted the 'weapon' for them to take. Imagine something that has the same effects as a dementor that you can't use magic on. They'll be paralyzed until they realize the only way to get rid of it is by removing via muggle means. Given it's Voldemort we're talking about, who knows how long it will take him to figure that out. That reminds me, I really should arrange for tighter security for James and Lily. Once Voldemort traces 'the weapon' back to that storage place and figures out his family owns it, they'll figure he's involved. He won't be happy."

Meanwhile at Death Eater Headquarters...

"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed."

"I'll show you depressed. CRUCIO!" Voldemort screamed.

"and what with the pain in the diodes down my left side it's a wonder I can function at all." stated Marvin.

"STUPEFY!" bellowed Voldemort.

"Let's make robots with genuine people personalities...Hah, what rubbish"

"My lord, please make it stop!" Bellatrix pleaded.

"Can't you see I'm trying, you evil whore!"

"My Lord, maybe Fiendfyre will destroy it!" Crabbe said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Needless to say, Marvin was not destroyed by the fiendyre. Death Eater headquarters however was. Crabbe was spared Voldemort's wrath by the fact that he spent the next several weeks in St. Mungo's after suffering burns over half his body (as did most of the Death Eaters). Voldemort had to find a new hideout and was pretty much unable to wreak much havoc for several weeks. No one really knows what happened to Marvin. It is rumored that some people saw a large metallic object being taken out of an alley by some weirdo wearing pajamas and a bathrobe, another guy carrying a satchel, and some horribly dressed guy with two heads and three arms. It sounded completely unreal, but to be honest, no one really cared.

On another sadder note, after wracking his brains for several weeks, Sirius had to admit that he was unable to think of a cooler name for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.


End file.
